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09:06pm 18/07/2007
 
mood: dirty
seriously vivid dreams i'm having. i know what they're all about, but jesus, why do i remember everything about them, like i wasn't even asleep at all. i wake up and think they're real. but i know they're not. i think that my subconscious is trying to shake some sense into me, cause i clearly must be dumb to ignore it.
 
     
1 hands are tied || is your heart racing?
 
that's politics, bitch!   
10:39pm 04/08/2006
 
mood: geeky
sooo i'm home being lame on a friday night, cause i haven't felt like going out all week really. well except when i was about to explode the other night and decided that it was most appropriate to go out drinking. HAH buttt other than that, i don't know why i just don't really want to do much of anything. except read and things. i decided that i've been watching too much tv lately, so i went to the library and got three books, and i'm going to read them all before i go back to school. but of course i can't be cutting out my daily dose of dr. phil/oprah.

aaanyways, i just want to get back to school, i guess. i am excited for all the things that i will be involved in this semester and i'm looking forward to it. i still might be doing the english department tutor thing (though i haven't heard back from them yet) and America Reads, and of course AST. and i also really want to volunteer at the new bedford schools, cause it really affected me when i went there to volunteer with caroline and we did that carnival for the kids. it made me so sad to think/see that they really have nothing over there, and maybe i could offer the little bit that i have.

also, i am missing my sisters.. seeing them at retreat was just a teaseee.

i am also missing a certain jew like crazy. i don't know what to do and i don't know how to fix it. it's all really too sad to talk about.

i've been really weird lately, and i feel like i'm falling into old patterns. i'm restless. i'm full of energy and tired at the same time. i think that i just need to get back to school. i think that i'll be considerably more content there. i feel like i'm anxious for something to happen, but i'm not going out and making something happen.. whoo knows. i've thought that i should be going back on my meds, but i don't know if that's what i need right now, especially remembering what it was like when i was on them. yeah, it made me feel better, but at a cost of something else.

i don't know what prompted this, but i did this in a previous entry a loong time ago, and i thought that it would be interesting to see the differences.

:::10 bands you've been listening to lately:::
01. rilo kiley
02. the cure
03. belle & sebastian
04. OAR
05. simon & garfunkel
06. jack johnson
07. jimmy buffett
08. led zeppelin
09. rolling stones
10. electric light orchestra
:::09 things you look forward to:::
01. going back to UMD
02. it's always sunny in philadelphia and project runway
03. days off from work(s)
04. weekends to see lovers
05. 7107
06. cutting off my hair (next week!)
07. being content
08. going to the beach
09. goodnight phone calls
:::8 things you like to wear:::
01. excellent jeans
02. black mascara
03. AST letters!
04. bathing suit
05. business attire (getting used to it. young adulthood, gag)
06. flip flops year round
07. hoodies
08. cuuute undies and bras
:::07 things that annoy you:::
01. shirts/dresses in which the patterns don't go all the way around
02. grammar/spelling errors
03. local news channels
04. shaw's
05. brands of pants that fit wrong
06. feeling left out and outside the loop
07. doing dishes
:::06 things you touch everyday:::
01. my glasses
02. remote control
03. cell phoneee
04. computerrr
05. my car vinnyyy
06. my bummm :P
:::05 things you do everyday:::
01. procrastinate
02. am late for something
03. feed my fish <3
04. overanalyze something
05. pick at my nails
:::04 people you want to spend more time with:::
01. my sisters <3
02. family
03. myself
04. :(
:::03 movies you could watch over and over again:::
01. rent
02. office space
03. garden state
:::02 of your favorite songs at the moment:::
01. "melt your heart" - jenny lewis & the watson twins
02. "crazy love" - van morrison
:::01 thing you are thinking of:::
01. missing people
 
     
is your heart racing?
 
well behaved women rarely make history   
10:47pm 31/07/2006
 
mood: fuck you
i've been a bad, bad girl. i don't know what's wrong with me or why i'm bothering to write anything down. probably cause i'm too lazy to actually write this out with pen and paper like i should be doing. but whatever i don't care, i'm probably just going to regret writing this in the first place soooo who cares. i'm going to change. i'm weak. weak in the knees. this has been a rediculous weekend and i don't understand why i insist on dealing with issues when i can't even handle myself. i don't even know what to do right now and i need to get up and work in the morning. but i guess sleep isn't an option anymore anyways, cause i never sleep. probably going to just stay up and watch my fish swim in circles all night again cause it's the most comforting thing i've found as of late. i'm cutting off all my hair soon.. and getting the cyst removed. going back to school is looking thrilling and bleak at the same time. honestly, what is going for a walk going to do for me right now anyways. i'm just looking for excuses and something to blame. in 54 minutes i get to say "rabbit rabbit" and will decide the fate of my august. too bad that it's not something that i could blame on the family pet (not that i have one that would do any damage) but it'd make things much easier if i could just say that the dog broke the vase. too bad it's not just a vase that needs repair. and you can't replace what i'm pretty obviously missing.




the absence of god will bring you comfort, baby,
and planning's for the poor so let's pretend that we're rich,
and i'm not my body or how i choose to destroy it.
folk singers sing songs for the workin' baby.
we're just recreation for all those doctors and lawyers,
but there's no relief for the bleeding heart
cause they'll be losing bodies tonight.

and Rob says "you love, love, love, love and then you die.."
i've watched him while sleeping and seen him crying
with closed eyes.

and you're not happy, but you're funny, and i'm tripping over my joy.
i just keep on getting up again.
we could be daytime drunks if we wanted,
but we'd never get anything done that way, baby,
and we'd still be ruled by our dueling perspectives.
and i'm not my perspective, Or the lies i'll tell you every time.

and Morgan says, "maybe love won't let you down.
all of your failures are training grounds
and just as your back's turned, you'll be surprised," she says,
"as your solitude subsides."

and Mike, i'll teach you how to swim
if you turn the bad in me into good again.

and i say "there's trouble when everything is fine.."
the need to destroy things creeps up on me every time,
and just as love's silhouette appears i close my eyes
and disappear, tonight..

and something's got to change
cause our love's the slowest moving train.
 
     
is your heart racing?
 
i'm glad i didn't die before i met you.   
06:02pm 29/04/2006
 
mood: twitchy
so this is pretty random. i was recently inspired to take a look at this old thing. i've always kept it, for looking at friend's journals, but i haven't kept up with my own in.. about 2 years, almost to the day. i just read through tons of my old entries and i realized how totally, utterly lame i really am. i am exactly the same person, but totally different. but i keeps it real.

just for my own sake, a catch up, just in case i start writing in this regularly again. i am in college, um-dizzy. it's the end of my freshman year, and it has been a year to remember. jiggity jig. first semester made me want to quit school and quit life. all i ever wanted to do was go home and see familiar, welcoming faces because there was little to nothing there for me at school, except for a precious few that kept me from burying my head under the covers for over 20 hours a day. i was just going through the motions. and it seemed that when i would drive 2 hours to come home, that i was just going through the motions there as well. had my typical winter depression and then some. things have really changed in my second semester. i am now a sister of Alpha Sigma Tau, and i'm in love with greek life, as incestuous, crazy, sequestered and AWESOME as it is. i love my sisters, and they are all amazing people. AST has really given me the helping hand into what i really want to get out of college. i never thought that i would be one to join a sorority, because i have always been such a loner, but the whole thing has meant so much to me and means so much to me already. i'm on the 5 year plan because i decided that i'm not going to take summer courses, and i'm ok with that. the nursing program is really intense and i feel that i will be able to better cope with all the craziness of it if i don't spread myself too thin. i see how out of control and busy it makes my beautiful big sister, and i want to slow it down and be able to enjoy college and really leave with what it means to be a nurse. haha that's my hippie heart beating. but i really feel like i'm doing what's in my best interest.

in other news, after over a year, i ended things with rick. it's crazy, and i look like a huge douchebag, and all his friends call me a bitch, but i think that it was something that i had to do for my own sake. he has never been anything but good to me, but it's just something that i really can't explain. it's hard losing someone who was really my best friend. and sometimes i think i'm totally nuts and a selfish bitch for doing it and then most times i think that i've never done anything so mature and selfish (in a good way). the timing was very bad and i appologize for that and my seeming insensitivity. but take it how you will. forget regret, or life is yours to miss. and i will live and love sans regret. i think that someday we will find our way back to eachother in some semblance of friendship, but i know that it needs to be the way it is now and it probably wouldn't be able to operate under other circumstances. and even though i'm trying to explain, i still look like a huge bitch. but this is really something that i have had issues putting into words. no explanation can really capture what i'm trying to do, and did. i am in my right mind and i'm not crazy (haha). i have found so much in my life at school and my actions and lifestyle need to reflect those changes; my sisters, my friends, my perspective, my education, my niche, my future, my beautiful boy. despite all this nonsense, i'm.. happy.

in no real order, upcoming events include: summer, yellow rose (AST formal with babe), new job @ yankee clipper with andy<3 (4 doors down the street !), road trips, boston, the beach, berwick, sophomore year at UMD, summer nights, raynham, shopping, having money, sophie's first birthday!!, FINALS :(, smokin' jims!!?!

even though i have considerably reevaluated my life and found some kind of operational semblance, i am still crazy, immature, lazy, insecure, intelligent, easily entertained, intensely sensitive/introspective, pessimistic, intuitive, painfully shy, awkward, outgoing, resourceful, absurd, neverrrr punctual, geeky, loving, an absolute failure and a huge success.

and boy is totally unbelieveable, and i keep finding more and more everyday that makes me recondsider my status as a "total waste of life," and that there could be something unheard of out there for me. maybe someday i can grow to believe it myself that i'm as beautiful as he insists that i am.

HAHA P.S. THIS IS PROBABLY THE MOST NORMAL, SEQUENTIAL ENTRY YOU WILL EVER READ IN THIS THING. h'you know i'm not really this conventional! ..all the time.

don't give up on me.
 
     
1 hands are tied || is your heart racing?
 
fell asleep in his brand new winter coat   
11:17am 20/04/2004
 
mood: skeetskeetskeet!
hi

vacation is yay.. i've been fairly busy the whole time with things to do. yesterday maig and i went antiquing.. booya. now i'm looking for more things to do cause i don't have any plans for today. i'll getcha. yeesh, and i gotta get my act together and call marcus and stuff sometime this vacation. i think i keep getting fatter and fatter day by day.. it's disgusting but i still refuse to exercise? go figure. i think i might get my act together and go down to the baseball game before it's over, but eh, you never know. i need to clean my room before i do anyhting else though hmm. i'm glad i got to see my fattttest kid on sunday and manda and kaytea too! we went mini golfing and it was neaaat. umm everything else is bad, but i'm gonna go.. yeah.
 
     
1 hands are tied || is your heart racing?
 
i said be careful his bowtie is really a camera   
05:22pm 31/03/2004
 
mood: nostalgic
rain rain rain rain

>>flashback to the summer grampa died. the summer where i hated everyone in rockport and i stayed with christine all summer. i miss my family.. all day we'd just hang out in our bathing suits and eat peanutbutter bars and sit on the porch with nana talking nonsense. and i'd always be covered in dog hair and be allergic to it. and we'd stay up all night talking. and i don't know what i would have done if i had to stay alone in that bed the night grampa died in the other room. then to berwick.. i don't even realize how much i miss all those people and everything about it. i'm living up there this summer, or else. but i have the feeling it will all be different this summer cause i'm older, but it's still so indescribable to me. i still remember the night brian "saved my life," even if you guys don't. and all the nights we spent in the air field and the lodge.. god it makes my body ache thinking about it.>>

i have so much to decide and accomplish, but it's all in the near future and i feel so useless right now cause i feel like i made plans for now and i'm just not doing them. i need to write these things down i guess. ah i'm useless.

WHAT AM I FUCKING DOINGGGGG i gotta get away
 
     
is your heart racing?
 
oh just keep it together   
09:19pm 20/03/2004
 
mood: lonely
y'know.. i really think that i'm always alone. i think i think too much.. christ i'm thinking about me thinking think think thinkking

but really.. if i'm with anyone, i'm always racing and thinking about so much other stuff. like today i was with this person that i haven't seen in soo long and we had a good day and it was like old times, whether that's good or not haha. but it wasss. but while i was with them, i felt like i was disconnected. and i feel like that with everyone. no one is really honest and there's no one i can just talk to. things are just so.. choppy.

but i guess i'm never just honest with anyone anyways, so fuck it.

now i'm sitting in on a saturday night being geeaywhy. i'm too tired to go out, but too awake to sleep.

i'm gonna put my brave shoes on and walk that mile
 
     
3 hands are tied || is your heart racing?
 
last night on the mass pike   
11:32am 17/03/2004
 
mood: stressed
hollaaa

let's seee.. i've been so stressed lately cause of the excessive work i have to doooo and other stufff..

last weekend i went to nh with my beaaaar and it was wayy fun. everyone i met was soo nice and it was fantabulous to get away from rockport finally. well, at least for a weekend. i met these awesome guys from brazil and we hung out on sunday hahaa. and it was the ultimate as always cause i was with ashhh♥.

aaand my birfday was mondayy! yay. it was an okkk day, i got a few fun presentsss, ash's sweatshirt and temporary tattoos, maig's giant picture thing, kade's elephant (now named "elefunk") and tiger's return of the king poster!! but it's so fucking weird that i'm 17. like.. 17? what the gayy?

so i have this little thing to attend if anyone would like to accompany mee.. anyone for prom? yeah thanks.

okkk i gotta finish this term paper. thank you for snow for helping me out BIG TIME. so unbelievably seriously. and study for algebra retest, and write hb review and write history paper and go to work and.. sigh.
 
     
2 hands are tied || is your heart racing?
 
whateva   
11:49pm 05/03/2004
 
mood: sick
:::10 bands you've been listening to lately:::
01. rilo kiley
02. bright eyes
03. the weakerthans
04. brand new
05. hilary duff
06. elliott
07. the postal service
08. further seems forever
09. elton john
10. the decemberists
:::09 things you look forward to:::
01. weekends
02. going to nh with ashbear<3
03. naps
04. csi
05. new bags
06. getting out of rockport
07. sometimes shows
08. paychecks
09. shopping!
:::8 things you like to wear:::
01. levis
02. buttondown shirts
03. lace underwear
04. black eyeliner
05. fuzzy sweatshirts
06. worn in teeshirts
07. knee socks
08. headphones
:::07 things that annoy you:::
01. ignorance
02. slow internet
03. cds that skip
04. procrastination
05. jealousy
06. essays/papers
07. jackets with elastic on the bottom
:::06 things you touch everyday:::
01. my face
02. my earrings.. for some reason i'm always playing with them
03. purse
04. remote control
05. foood
06. cd player
:::05 things you do everyday:::
01. worry
02. procrastinate
03. learn something new
04. be critical
05. brush my teeth
:::04 people you want to spend more time with:::
01. ashleeeyyyy
02. essex girls
03. myself
04. gloucester people
:::03 movies you could watch over and over again:::
01. office space
02. lord of the rings!!!
03. the breakfast club
:::02 of your favorite songs at the moment:::
01. "picture of success"
02. "a perfect sonnet"
:::01 thing you are thinking of:::
01. why i can't ever be happy


mrehh, bored. gotta go to bed cause i'm sick.. went to brennans tonight and work til 4, ash, then sleepover if i'm not too ill tomorrow. juniors and seniors tied spirit week.. so good. ughh i'm sickyyyy. ew. oh well i won't let it get me down, fuckers.. g'night, long day tomorrow.
 
     
3 hands are tied || is your heart racing?
 
her eyes were bright enough to burn me, they reminded me of yours   
08:04pm 03/03/2004
 
mood: eugh
spirit week.. 2k5 is kicking your assss

saw ashlove and last weekend and it was super <33 can't wait to go to ashbear peak! then sunday i went out to lunch and grocery shopping with julia and it was a good timee

this week is hectic and i can't sleep and it's getting worse

i think i know.. all for now
 
     
is your heart racing?
 
rock out with your cock out ahahhhaa   
09:42pm 25/02/2004
 
mood: cold
i'm PISSED about bush's little attempted bitchslap ban on gay marriage.. i'd like to think that i respect other people's opinions, but these are rights for all people, and exceptions and delays are rediculous.. and politics are geeayywhyyy [heh]

and i dropped my cd player and it doesn't work anymore auughh more money to spend

past week has been.. mildly busy. so much school stuff is piling up though.. i have like 4 papers and projects assigned. granted most are long term.. but long term means LONG work. booo

I PROMISE PROMISE PROMISE.

snowboardingwithmy<33soonsssexciting

i'm going to be 17 shortly.. and that's soo fucking weird. will someone get me the hilary duff cd PLEASEEE??

AHHH COLLEGEEEE XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

this is the story of a girl who cried a river and drowned the whole world
 
     
1 hands are tied || is your heart racing?
 
we love de suuuub! eat quizno's suuuuub!   
11:37am 18/02/2004
 
mood: artistic
vacation.. blows. other than being out of school, it blows. i really don't want to hang out with much of anyone.. only a few. i'd rather get the fuck out of this place

i workworkwork. and probably the highlight of my vacation was going up to newbs with juliaaaa. i made the guy at dunkin donuts steam me a milk cause starbucks was closed.. he looked at me weird but he did it. then after i dropped julia off, i went down to the beach and just sat in the car with my now lukewarm milk. fooled myself into thinking that i was deeply reflecting on something, even though i already know what's going on.

i've been waking up around noon lately.. it's amazing

i've got all these goals to do with all my free time over vacation, but i always end up watching a lifetime movie or a documentary on the history channel or british comededians on comedy central.

but now, i'm really going to do what i planned on and get some painting done..

i'm rick james, bitch!
 
     
2 hands are tied || is your heart racing?
 
dude, is this the carribbean?   
06:59pm 11/02/2004
 
mood: anxious
i don't even work that many hours a week, but it still manages to gay up the few people i want to see

i'm going snowboarding with my beautiful girl the weekend before by birfday.. going to be way fun cause i miss her much <333 maybe i'll see her over vacation or something tooo

had an anxiety attack yesterday in class.. SUCKED. i totally fucking lost it

i ended up going to the semi last weekend.. had a good timeee and looked prettyy. i'm glad i stopped being a prick and just went cause ALL I WANNA DO IS DAAAANCE! too bad i didn't have shoes to go with the dress, so i wore my birks.. it kinda worked, but you just end up with your shoes off at those things anyways

i'll be damned if i'm going to celebrate valentine's day. worst holiday fucking ever.
 
     
1 hands are tied || is your heart racing?
 
social security   
05:09pm 04/02/2004
 
mood: eep
cancan5.jpg


just found that picture randomly. holy shit it's good. i miss how things used to be. oh bean! i haven't seen him in so long. matt too. jiggity jig, i'm wasting away.
 
     
is your heart racing?
 
i saw janet jackson's funbags last night   
05:04pm 02/02/2004
 
mood: depressed
frootbowl yay pats

been mildly busy lately, though i'm not quite sure what with

friday night. went to the mall.. by myself. then shopped.. by myself. bought nothing.. by myself. went to newbs/starbucks.. by myself. drove home.. by myself, though with a damn good "create your own" starbucks thing. the story of my life. the only friendly face i saw was of tara from danvers, who is really a sweet girl

the show saturday night was up in my top 5 of good local shows. good show. i saw a lot of people i haven't seen in a long time, which was pleasing <3

soo not going to school tomorroww pats<3
 
     
5 hands are tied || is your heart racing?
 
four day weekend <3   
06:37pm 15/01/2004
 
mood: anxious
hey lovers

sooo things are looking good, though still incomplete. i adore my new haircut, though it's not new really anymore.. but for those who haven't seen me in a while.. i have a haircut. heh. i got my plastic lisence today, which is kind of neat. and i've got plans. secret ones and i'm going to sneak up on you sooner than later. you'll see

this week was midterms.. suck. but that means half days all week, so it's ok. and i've had the car since i got my lisence, soo i haven't been hanging around everywhere bumming rides.. which is fortunate <3

i'm pissed that the Babson Park show got cancelled for no apparent reason.. and i'm too young to go to the Middle East one.. sigh. i guess i'll just have to fucking wait til next year?? augh. no fair =(

sometimes we all need a little 80's power ballad to get the ball rolling
 
     
1 hands are tied || is your heart racing?
 
i never found a companion that was so companionable as solitude   
03:07pm 06/01/2004
 
mood: accomplished
happy pappy slappy

sooo vacation was good. i don't feel like lame shoutouts or something.. but it was good.

yep, totally got my lisence yesterday, pretty stressful but so glad.. i got the car now so i'm gonna go do some errands in a minute.

y'know, i had all these plans for this time in my life, but they've all seemed to fall through here. i don't really know why, but for some reason, i don't feel like working it out and trying to go back

freestyle walkinn
 
     
2 hands are tied || is your heart racing?
 
countdown to lisence in six days   
10:43am 30/12/2003
 
mood: pessimistic
auuuuuggghhh.

yesterday was a good day. went to boston with my kaaade and neffie. we went to the children's museum, and i became the small child of the group.. i played with everythinggg.. and i still fit in the giant maze!! and then we went shopping at the garment district and bought mucho clothes <3

i want to finish up my camera. too bad there's not many beautiful things that i've seen lately.

i want to spend time with people.. and have it not be so stupid.

saw return of the king. ALMOST EXPLODED. let's see it 2 more times, then vacation will be complete

well.. maybe later tonight, cause i just got a call from work and i'm going in for someone's sick call. at least they want me.
 
     
3 hands are tied || is your heart racing?
 
i had a dream about escaping slaves last night.. and they had pasta and animal printed tissue paper   
10:11am 26/12/2003
 
mood: under the weather
well well well. yesterday was christmas. my family was up, and that always makes me happy when they're here. the celtics game was awesome with kevv. i'm glad he liked his present and stuff. everyone got me super way neat presents =) thanks!

anything going on for new years??

i hope today is going to be a really good day. i'm going out to breakfast, then going to work for 3 hours, then going to see LORD OF THE RINGSSSSSSS with my fatfatfattest kid and mandaaa huzzah!

you said you didn't forget, but i swear you did

my mom got me the awesomest present. she got me the One Ring! it's sooo nice and i love it and it makes me feel like i am on a epic quest to save middle earth.. sigh

i think i'm going to have to admit to this real soon.
 
     
2 hands are tied || is your heart racing?
 
i wrote an entry yesterday but flipping livejournal ate it   
03:41pm 19/12/2003
 
mood: lonely
oh it's friday. this week has crawled by, but it's over now. it sucks that cockport is the only school that gets out next tuesday? yeah whatevs.

i've been feeling weird lately. it seems like the only one i've been talking to is katie. cause i love my kade. we're antisocial.. together? heh.

weeweeweee got the tickets finally. me and kev are on our way sunday to go see celts v. sixers. that is the one present that is my sneaky/surprise/perfect gift of the year. huzzah!

gotta finish christmas shopping. and get the things i fucking ordered! stupid people on ebay =( i sent the money, send me my MERCHANDISEEE

let's make this vacation wicked awesome, and i'd love to spend time with you! yes youuu!

i don't want to be lonely over the holidays
 
     
2 hands are tied || is your heart racing?